I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
