Ambien. No doubt about it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
