do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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