i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
