all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
