i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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