I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
