oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
