textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
