he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
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Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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