if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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