I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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