He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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