i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
