I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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