Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
