I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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