im six kinds of drunk right now
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
