I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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