As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I could fuck to npr.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
