He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
