There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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