I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
