i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
