I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
