Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
