Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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