no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
