my mouth tastes like poor choices
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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