I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
