so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
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Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All I want is dick and wine.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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