An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
