Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
