Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
