Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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