she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
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My day in three words: secret purse cake
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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