Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
