Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
