dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
