I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
