I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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