Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I did not marry a roomba.
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