It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
