Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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