we have pet lesbian snakes
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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