I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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