don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
