FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
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But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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