he thought i was a dude.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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