drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
don't judge my taste in strippers
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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