You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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