i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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