I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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