She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
