Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That accounts for only three of the penises
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
