A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
