I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
